Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Go get 'em Virgins!

I left the policemen and my anger and apparently my brain at the Simpsonwood Conference Center that day and drove to a house in buckhead for a film audition.
"It's a full-budget SAG feature, honey. You'll be playing Linda Lee. Lemme know ASAP, sweetie."

I show up, it's about a hundred f-ing degrees, and nobody's answering the door and i'm being eaten by mosquitos. Finally they let me in, and a very, let's say quirky, lady directs me to the dining room and into an antique white chair. This is a full 4 hours before matt and dan got there and dropped their bombs.

She asks if i have any questions, and dear jeezoos, why did i ask a question. I got this long, drawn-out synopsis which i didn't listen to. All I heard, basically, was older sister, radio show, abstinence. I had no focus, because I'm watching this older lady hobble around the room with a broken foot and listening to other actors trying to ring the same doorbell as I did that doesn't work but does make a weird sound, and furiously scratching about 6 mosquito bites.

We start the audition, no camera, just us talking, encouraged to improvise ("forget the script!") with the older lady writing stuff down--it didn't even occur to me until talking to rp and matt later that they were writing down our improvised lines. Yes, they most definitely were. I do remember seeing the older lady only set off to scribbling action on the lines that I made up.

Afterwards, she asks about some of my favorite comedy characters I've played, and comPLETEly forgetting about the entire synopsis I was just told but didn't really listen to, I begin to reel off my despicable list of favorites: Snatch - a nasty old drunk bartender who always wakes up with a different guy and can't even remember who he is or where he came from; Dede Granger - a super-conservative, closed-minded church lady who does stupid puffy paint fashion shows; Linda Skrunk - a butch lesbian who married a gay guy because she likes girls, but she just "got sick of 'em;" And Krystal - an animated obese shut-in who lives on a used mattress at the dump and threw her baby out in a friend chicken bucket outside the father's house, saying "good luck with THAT crap." Here's another good and inappropriate-for-this-audition quote for Krystal:
Krystal: How is your daddy?
Rusty: Oh, he's good, he's good. Just got out of prison not too long ago.
Krystal: No I'm sorry, "Who". I mean who's your daddy?

In fact, if the town of Ringgold is mentioned in the finished version of this film, you know they heard it from me, because the lady commented, "Huh! Ringgold, GA? that's funny. That's a funny name." "Ahhh, yep. That's --why i picked it."

The list of weird happenings at this audition just seems to grow and grow. Please, for the love of god, follow the white antique chair link above.

I was talking a few nights later to rp about this audition, and he was really against the whole premise, like enough to not even want to do the movie if he got it. The subject matter to me isn't that offensive -- or offensive enough to not want to get the experience acting in film. I'd do it. I can't say I'm necessarily against people waiting to have sex until they're married,(please check that disturbing link) I just always hope they have a good reason.
...But I've never heard a good reason, so....
And i think it's a futile effort. People will always have sex. Young, old. Whenever, wherever. Always have.
Always will.
Always. Always. Always.
But if some weirdos wanna pay me to be in a fictional movie which thinks it can quell the hormones and instincts of the human race?
I think that's funny.


Blogger ablebody said...

i'm so bleary-eyed i keep staring at that pig-ass as if it's the mouth and the ear is a weird tail, and the tail is its curly lock.
i'm on rp's beam, but i agree with you more. i've turned religious stuff down before, but only because it encouraged those with problems to find god rather than medical treatment. this one is find god before you have problems that need medical treatment. which is great, cuz then once they find god and get ill you can rub their noses in it and say 'where's your god now, sickface?'

5:24 PM  
Blogger maryk said...

'where's your god now, sickface?'

i am laughing so hard at that.

5:37 PM  
Blogger onthetowns said...

Why can't Ringgold catch a break!? I still promise to take you there someday, Mary... someday.

9:35 AM  
Blogger maryk said...

I'll tell you why, because its name is so hilarious, esp. when being forced over the uvula and around the teeth of Dede Granger, when you're looking at a cat wife about to kill her cat husband with a frying pan, all in puffy paint on a sweatshirt in a Ringgold Baptist church.

10:06 AM  
Blogger Squirrels in my Brain said...

Why make fun of Ringgold? What's so lame about it? It's great place for geologists, it's chock full of amazing fossils. Ohhhhh, yeah, that's not cool to most people.

1:40 PM  
Blogger maryk said...

I find your disrespect for the elderly VERY offensive.

2:07 PM  
Blogger Daniel said...

OMFG! I almost did a Matt and Dan in my pants reading this. Not sure how I missed it. I guess I have been abstaining my pants too long...

3:10 AM  

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