Saturday, January 07, 2006

The Gay Applebee's

That's where Dan and I went to eat Friday night. I guess maybe we should've known by the two x's in the name --Roxx. Looking back now, yeah, that looks and sounds real gay. Or maybe Roxx's location on Cheshire Bridge would've clued us in, but we've gone to a few places that were not specifically gay establishments. But a simple google search would've told us all we needed to know--about Roxx.(pleeease follow that link) Not that we wouldn't have gone had we known it was a gay restaurant, but...well, yeah, we probably wouldn't have gone. Well, maybe we would've. I just don't know. I think we would've filed it away in another compartment of our brain had we known. Like, Blake's or The Oscars are bars, so we could go there to have a drink, but boy, The Yacht Club sure sounds better. Why is that? I don naw. I ought to go to more new places. Note, taken.

It's a "tavern and grill" and almost looks like an Applebee's or an upscale sports bar from the outside. But there's a different kind of sport going on inside Roxx. But back to the beginning.

So, we are not 2 feet in the door and a guy says, "Dan Triandiflou!" and sort of squeals. Big hugs. Actor, of course. Someone Dan worked with up in Cherokee in like 1998. After our drinks are ordered I go to the bathroom, and when I come back, there's sort of a party going on at our table. Turns out 3 people from Cherokee work at Roxx. 2 guys and 1 girl, the manager--who says, "What brings you two over to the gay part of town?" Still didn't hit us. "Oh, well we live around the corner." What tipped me off were the number of all-lesbian tables that absolutely could not be a coincidence. So, I sort of stage-whisper over to Dan, "I think this is a gay place." Once the scales (scales--foreshadowing) fell from our eyes, everything was just kind of funny. Like the trailer of Ticklesack---I mean Brokeback Mountain (thanks to Dan for that one).

The upside to a gay restaurant? No kids.

And we thought, well, I bet the food's good, at least better than Applebee's.
Aa---uuhhh--yeeeah, no.

We ordered some 'tavern chips' --homemade potato chips with cheese, just tasty cheesy potato thingees. When the manager girl brought them out, she said, "these are on me, you guys." That was nice. ....Thanks for nothing. Cold. Cheese not even melted. I mean, bagged, pre-shredded cold cheddar cheese just sprinkled on top of cold potato chips. Which were sort of stale. So it was really like eating potato chips from a bag. Chewy potato chips. Cuz how do you send something back that was free?

I ordered a grouper sandwich---i know. ?? It wasn't, well, it wasn't good. I had half of it, and didn't really know why I ate half of it. This is maybe the strangest part of the night, for me---for whatEVER reason, every time I took a bite, a visual of the Putt Putt golf course in Savannah would pop into my head. And some water would kind of drip out of the sandwich. Oddly enough, I added a little malt vinegar to see if that helped. Wow. No. One word: feet. Then to further confound myself and Dan, I asked for a to-go box. They were being so nice, I guess I didn't want to let them know that the food sucked. Ridiculous.
Dan's chicken sandwich was "ehh." The slaw had no taste. Salad tasted like it was bagged lettuce, with that smell that bagged lettuce gets.
"Save room for dessert?"
We had some sort of joke about what shitty thing they'd bring out for dessert. If I think of it, I'll edit this. It wasn't a Band-Aid Parfait, but something like that. Though a Band-Aid Parfait is pretty funny.

On the way home, we couldn't stop laughing while coming up with ways of describing how a waiter would actually describe the fish sandwich. You can imagine what some of them were--you can even leave some in the comments section, if you'd like. My favorite was "How is your grouper sandwich?" "The grouper--yes, we take a nice, fresh piece of grouper, then we roll it up in a pair of dirty socks, tuck it gently into a dead hooker's vagina, push her into the Chattahoochee, letting it age for 12 weeks,freeze it, thaw it partly, then batter and fry. Partly."

Other than that, though, yeah, it was pretty good.


Anonymous Galbinus_Caeli said...

Um funny. And ewww.

12:42 PM  
Anonymous Josie said...

I laughed out loud, sitting here all by myself at "how to make a grouper sandwich."

Maybe it's supposed to be a "groupie sandwich?"

Did you feel like you were in the big revelation back flash in The Crying Game?

4:54 PM  
Blogger Goatopolis said...

In Phoenix, we had a Gay Denny's.

Brings a whole new meaning to the "Big Slam" breakfast.

10:19 PM  
Anonymous Josie said...

In Denver there's a grocery store chain that the gay community refers to as Queen Soopers

1:14 PM  
Anonymous josie said...

Oops! Not the entire chain, just one store in a specific part of Denver.

1:16 PM  
Blogger maryk said...

yea! Goatopolis! Do i know you? SOmething you said on I think Clunky's site made me crack up. who are you?

8:14 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

it's a groped sandwich...I laughed so fucking hard while reading this...

i refuse to choose an identity...

11:01 AM  
Blogger Goatopolis said...

I don't think you know me. But I leave a comment every now and again on Clunky's Site.

Who am I? that's a very complicated question. Well not really. I'm just some dude with some blog on the interweb.

7:03 PM  

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