Thursday, September 07, 2006

Olfactory Douchebaggery

have you ever smelled a rotted onion---hear me out---an onion so rotted, that it smelled like a shitty baby diaper?
I have.
Have you ever cleaned a coffee maker with vinegar---wait, hear me out---right before you find a rotten egg in your refrigerator and go to take it out and it crushes in your hand, so now your kitchen smells like a fart douched in the sink?
I have.

sorry about that.

have you ever smelled the inside of a restaurant's grease-trap? It's possibly worse than all of these above. Mixed together. Can't explain it. If you know it, you know it. It is what it is. And what it IS is mind-numbing and life-changing. Death is maybe close to it. It's very ...biological.

I could play the game of "thing smells like other things combined that would never be combined except for joke purposes which, combined would in fact smell ridiculously horrible." You know, that game. It's an old game. It's a good game. It was on SNL. It was used again on Anchorman. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE that game, and played it unknowingly long before i saw it on SNL. Following some rule of comedy somewhere. Intuition leads me there. But I don't feel like using it here.

You may though, in your comments. In fact, i encourage it.

What are some of the worse things you've smelled.

P.S. Let's round this post out with this visual story:
My cat puked the other day--the one that doesn't usually puke--and it was filled with green stuff and a bunch of bird feathers. A bunch. It had no discernible smell.


Blogger crackhead9000 said...

My mother-in-law's breath frequently smells like corn that's been sitting in a glass of spoiled milk.


4:38 PM  
Blogger Overdroid said...

Resteraunt dumpster. Smells like zombies puked into a bathtub of spoiled vegetables.
Once in grade school I left an orange in my backpack until it had gone bad. I will never forget that smell. It was a sickly sweet citrus punch in the nose.
I have smelled the grease traps. I will not forget.


4:36 AM  
Anonymous Melich said...

Violla Pittman used to come into my uncle's pharmacy back when I worked there. She was huge, she was redneck, she was filthy, she grunted when she walked, she had a very skinny boyfriend and she NEVER bathed. One time she came in with a skirt on instead of her usual polyester elastic waisted pants...oh my good lord in heaven. From beneath the skirt rose a smell I will never forget, it actually still makes me gag recalling it. It was a mixture of a shitty baby diaper, a fart douche,Scott's mother-in-law's breathe and zombie puke on top of spoiled vegetables..throw a little margarita mix on top and there you have it. Blarg, pardon me.

8:57 AM  
Blogger maryk said...

oh, GOD!

I love it, actually.
Please keep them coming.
"There is no wrong answer." ---prove me wrong.

I one time had to carry a leaking garbage bag of rancid chili out to the dumpster behind the Righteous Room and did the 3 count swing before slinging it to make sure i got it high enough to get in the square opening.
It didn't make it.
So, I had to then carry buckets of bleachy water out to the dumpster to pour on the rancid chili on the side of the restaurant dumpster.


9:26 AM  
Blogger maryk said...

P.S. You can still hear the echo if you listen closely enough on a still night...."uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck! uuuuuuuuccckkk!...."


9:30 AM  
Blogger Overdroid said...

I almost forgot. I was recently in a sketch show with an extremely portly gentleman, a very funny and talented man and a great guy, however. . . in one of the sketches he wore red long johns, which he never washed, at any point during the run. I had to change next to him (because of a quick change), and become horribly aware as the rancor of those long johns increased on a weekly basis. Here is the smell - take an elderly woman and tie three steaks around her middle. Let them stay there for a week while she does not bathe. Pour an oil barrel full of rancid eastern European sweat over her head. Try to cover the whole thing up with sweetly scented talc. Viola!


2:24 PM  
Anonymous Bill said...

Grease traps are the closest thing to what hell would smell like. Club 1150 has a nasty one that you have to walk by on the way to our building. Ugh.

When my kids were in diapers were able to create some of the most vile concoctions after digesting seemingly harmless food.

However, the worst ever was having a gallon of milk leak on the front carpet of my car and then sit in the hot August sun. It produced the foulest odor known to man or beast. The smell lingered for a month after countless amateur and professional attempts at cleaning. Don't ever, EVER let milk leak in your car, kids! And make sure you got that thing in paper and plastic. (That directed at you, slow-bagger.)

4:22 PM  
Anonymous Joe said...

I have no worst smell story. Everybody thinks the latest bad smell is the worst smell they ever encountered. I've got a good cat puke story though. A friend of mine, we'll call him Mark(not his real name as far as you know)was married to a woman who had dogs. Mark had cats. One day he and I and the animals had his house to ourselves when one of the cats pukes up this big green blob on the dining room floor. Mark rolls his eyes at the thought of cleaning it up and then promptly whistles for the dogs. The dogs scramble to his feet. He points at the vomit and the dogs hungrily lap it up. He giggles gleefully and says: "I can't tell you how mad the wife would be if she saw me do that!" I had a pretty good idea and had to stifle laughter that evening as the dogs greeted her with wet kisses.

9:12 PM  
Blogger maryk said...

That's awesome, Joe.
Yeah, dogs love that shit. I actually hadn't put it all together until one time i was listening to an NPR show that had pet people giving pet advice, and someone called in to ask about WHY?! do dogs love eating cat poop so much?! And they explained about the digestive system of cats, and the shorter intestinal tract or something like that, and how more undigested food makes it through to the end product so it's more like eating regular food than just poop! So, i imagine the cat puke is even more "fresh." But gotta love the instant maid aspect of it. Why not?!

11:20 PM  
Blogger Overdroid said...

I believe dog food is actually made out of cat poop.

12:55 AM  
Blogger cdubthebabyshooter said...

Grease traps are nothin'. That's baby stuff. When I worked at a restaurant there was a certain bloody chicken odor that would sometimes get to me... what is worse is when you eat some chicken and you can taste that smell... yikes!

The worst for me is when I was working at the Piggly Wiggly. There was a lot of bad smells there (why does the meat room smell like poop?) but the worst was one time when I was carrying some groceries for a customer. I had a paper bag in one arm and a 10 lbs. potato sack in the other. I started to smell something rank (which isn't unusual for the Pig parking lot). The smell got worse and worse and when I put the bags in the back of her van I noticed the culprit. the potato sack contained a rotten one and it got grey-ish goo all over my hand and forearm. It was foul. I went and got her another bag o' taters for the customer and went to wash my hand and arm. No amount of scrubbing could get the smell off. i was later told that a rotten potato smells very close to rotting human flesh.

12:03 PM  
Blogger maryk said...

yes, cdub, i agree about the chicken one. It was the bottom of a summertime chicken wing bucket with a little bleach tossed in for cleaning that finally turned me vegetarian.

Ever poked your finger through the rotting flesh of a vegetable/fruit?


12:21 PM  
Blogger Overdroid said...

Cat food is made out of rotten potatoes. Most people don't know that. They do that because cats love eating rotting human flesh.

2:03 PM  
Blogger maryk said...

Yep. That's why cats that attack really old people are usually just hungry. And why in ancient Greece, and occasionally to this day in the Mediterranean area, old people will carry a small red potato as a precaution.
Look it up.

2:10 PM  

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