I paid for this?

Funerary Violins. Dueling violinists would, some believe, engage in improvised sessions of music where each would try to draw out more tragedy in a melody than the other. The "winner" was the one who got more people crying at the end of the show than the other.

I've seen improv comedy that's done the same thing. Make me want to cry. Then shove a phone up my ass. Just...Anything! God! Anything but this!

phone-up-ass joke credit to Leslie Sharp.
She once asked me to shove a regular sized land-line phone up her ass so she could feel something other than what she was feeling.