Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Jimmy French Toast

There's a new improvised-looking tv show coming to Lifetime (yep) this fall. It's called Lovespring International. You'll probably recognize a few of them, Jane Lynch is on there, of Christopher Guest film fame, and a few people from Reno 911.
There's also a guy named Sam Pancake, shit you not.
Well, his name is Sam Pancake.
I remember him from Arrested Development.

Natty Bumpercar!!!!!

Natty Bumpercar
Maker of Stuff/Doer of Things.

So, who is this Natty Bumpercar anyway?
While trying to keep as many plates spinning on little bendy sticks as he can, Natty Bumpercar is a guy who at least attempts to float the illusion that he is constantly
doing a pretty serious amount of stuff.
With the help of his trusty compatriots (Spot Elliot, Peanut Lou and Irving Brown Socks), he spends most of his days writing about, drawing about, painting about, computering about and generally abouting about all of the what for and the goings on in the tiny world (that is mostly just in his head) of Coffee Can Alley.
While currently calling the Buena Vista Heights area of Decatur home base, more often he can be found driving back and forth and forth and back to one of the larger metropolises in our fair land.

He manages to eat and keep a semblance of a roof over his head by doing freelance design under the name of Peanut Graphic. But as work can sometimes lean toward being a bit boring, Natty Bumpercar usually ends up wandering about the world in search of adventures that materialize in the form of sticky situations and amazingly awkward conversations . . . Hooray for adventures!

The Doug Dank Project

Push Push Theatre
Wednesday night
beer and cookies

Go get 'em Virgins!

I left the policemen and my anger and apparently my brain at the Simpsonwood Conference Center that day and drove to a house in buckhead for a film audition.
"It's a full-budget SAG feature, honey. You'll be playing Linda Lee. Lemme know ASAP, sweetie."

I show up, it's about a hundred f-ing degrees, and nobody's answering the door and i'm being eaten by mosquitos. Finally they let me in, and a very, let's say quirky, lady directs me to the dining room and into an antique white chair. This is a full 4 hours before matt and dan got there and dropped their bombs.

She asks if i have any questions, and dear jeezoos, why did i ask a question. I got this long, drawn-out synopsis which i didn't listen to. All I heard, basically, was older sister, radio show, abstinence. I had no focus, because I'm watching this older lady hobble around the room with a broken foot and listening to other actors trying to ring the same doorbell as I did that doesn't work but does make a weird sound, and furiously scratching about 6 mosquito bites.

We start the audition, no camera, just us talking, encouraged to improvise ("forget the script!") with the older lady writing stuff down--it didn't even occur to me until talking to rp and matt later that they were writing down our improvised lines. Yes, they most definitely were. I do remember seeing the older lady only set off to scribbling action on the lines that I made up.

Afterwards, she asks about some of my favorite comedy characters I've played, and comPLETEly forgetting about the entire synopsis I was just told but didn't really listen to, I begin to reel off my despicable list of favorites: Snatch - a nasty old drunk bartender who always wakes up with a different guy and can't even remember who he is or where he came from; Dede Granger - a super-conservative, closed-minded church lady who does stupid puffy paint fashion shows; Linda Skrunk - a butch lesbian who married a gay guy because she likes girls, but she just "got sick of 'em;" And Krystal - an animated obese shut-in who lives on a used mattress at the dump and threw her baby out in a friend chicken bucket outside the father's house, saying "good luck with THAT crap." Here's another good and inappropriate-for-this-audition quote for Krystal:
Krystal: How is your daddy?
Rusty: Oh, he's good, he's good. Just got out of prison not too long ago.
Krystal: No I'm sorry, "Who". I mean who's your daddy?

In fact, if the town of Ringgold is mentioned in the finished version of this film, you know they heard it from me, because the lady commented, "Huh! Ringgold, GA? that's funny. That's a funny name." "Ahhh, yep. That's --why i picked it."

The list of weird happenings at this audition just seems to grow and grow. Please, for the love of god, follow the white antique chair link above.

I was talking a few nights later to rp about this audition, and he was really against the whole premise, like enough to not even want to do the movie if he got it. The subject matter to me isn't that offensive -- or offensive enough to not want to get the experience acting in film. I'd do it. I can't say I'm necessarily against people waiting to have sex until they're married,(please check that disturbing link) I just always hope they have a good reason.
...But I've never heard a good reason, so....
And i think it's a futile effort. People will always have sex. Young, old. Whenever, wherever. Always have.
Always will.
Always. Always. Always.
But if some weirdos wanna pay me to be in a fictional movie which thinks it can quell the hormones and instincts of the human race?
I think that's funny.

Sunday, August 27, 2006

Claudia Dawkins: Angry Citizen

Monday and Tuesday of last week I did a fairly interesting, if a bit monotonous, job. It was a live role-play training session for a choice group of Gwinnett County Police officers. These were...corporals, i guess? Is that what comes before Sergeant? Corporal? who are eligible for promotion to Sergeant. So, they all take a written test, and those who pass, move on to the performance-based assessment. This particular county only had 21 officers who passed the written.

The officers came in that morning and got a 5 minute briefing on what was about to happen. Thecorporals would then enter the room, introducing themselves as "Sergeant whatever their name was," to me, angry citizen with an officer complaint, Claudia Dawkins. The whole scenario is also being watched and assessed by 3 superior officers, at a table, about 5 feet away, with notepads and checklists. The 3 in my room (all from Columbus, GA) were a nice good ole boywoman, a nice good ole boy, and a very quiet kindly african amer. man who seemed to be very sweetly suppressing an urge to cut them to pieces. He sort of graciously smiled/laughed and stared straight ahead most of the day. The lion's share of the talk revolved around Kenny Chesney, deer jerky, and how much money it would take to get them to live in the city of Atlanta (answer: no amount).

I'm Claudia Dawkins and I'm hopping mad! I was at a pizza place (The Pizza Buffet!) with my 11 year old daughter and an officer was at a table next to me saying things like, "That bitch never should've been promoted!" "Females aren't cut out for police work," "They don't have the physical abilities and aggressiveness," "women should never be supervisers, a man will always do a better job," "Put me in a room with her, and i'll show her who's boss!" It's their job to calm me down, get all the specifics, answer my questions and promise follow up.
Some came in uniform, some in a suit. It was sort of funny and disconcerting how NERvous some of these giant military-looking men with guns on their hips were. Hands shaking, dropping their pens, stuttering.... I would feel bad for some of them. Some I would not.
Each one was so different. Only 2 females, and you'd think they'd be more sympathetic with the particular scenario, but...they weren't, really. The first was a weirdo! and took hardly no time, maybe 5 minutes (they had 15 minutes maximum and a timer counting down in front of them), was sort of short with me, cut me off a bunch and kept asking me for uniform description of the officer and was asking me too many questions about his boots. After she left the room, I turned to the assessers and said, "leave it to a WOMAN to get hung up on SHOES."

The same thing over and over, 21 times over 2 days. We had to "improvise" to some degree because each person approached it differently, but they all had to have a somewhat standardized situation and treatment from the actors, so they were on a level playing field. They'd go on from me to the next room where 3 assessers awaited them with another actor playing the asshole from The Pizza Buffet! who has a problem with women. Then on to a mock "roll call" before a shift.

I guess i was able to work out a little frustration towards police during the whole thing.

But don't you feel good that the Gwinnett Co. police are being trained by me?

Thursday, August 24, 2006

You are not machines!

Jeezoos! That's a great speech.

boot camp

So, Jackie FINALLY dumped Mimi. GAWD!
If you know what i'm talking about, you know what i'm talking about.

I wish i didn't know what i was talking about.

Wednesday, August 23, 2006


via Chelsea Peretti:
ACTUAL rattlesnakes released in an Arizona movie theatre during "Snakes on a Plane."

Also, at the Alamo Drafthouse in South Lamar, TX, they served packages of airplane peanuts and put small rubber snakes in the popcorn, if i'm to understand the flickr sequence correctly.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Kim Wall and the Dankness of it all

Kim Wall finally releases Doug Dank from her humongo cleavage.

This Wednesday. do you want to miss this? I don't. want you to miss this.

Wed. night, 10:00pm at Push Push Theatre in Decatur!

45 minutes.

cookies, beer, the same drill.

ok. here's some face pics of her, like it matters at this point. She's PRETTY! I know!

and the dueling hairballs with your's truly.

Monday, August 21, 2006

Antarctic S. Improvisation

has a pharmacy. He/She wanted me to know that and now i want you to know that. and when i think about medication, i do indeed want to immediately think of barren, lonely, frigid, made-up unpredictability.

Friday, August 18, 2006

not my own

i sort of apologize (why would i apologize?) for not writing much of my own stuff on here lately. just been re-posting stuff. that probably reflects something about my life lately, but, i don't want to start reading into things, reading takes effort. ...
I've posted about Jonathan Coulton before, (good friend of tv's "PC", John Hodgman) but i love his song Tom Cruise Crazy so so much. His voice really is something. And the lyrics, well. It prompted me to demand it!

Thursday, August 17, 2006

from Woot.com's "commercials that don't make me want to kill somebody."

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Tim Cordier at Doug Dank

UPDATE: It was a GREAT show last night. Everyone was really "on," I thought, including Tim Cordier, who did a great job and was his usual weirdo interesting weirdo self, but a Great monologist--put lots of energy in the show. Hope more can come out next week to see Kim--will update to let you know if it's a fundraiser for the Girl Fight Club--and the week after that for NATTY BUMPERCAR!

Actor, talk show host, bartender, wife of awesome Claire, Tim Cordier will be the monologist for Doug Dank tonight at Push Push Theatre in Decatur at 10:00.


Please come out, and tell some friends!!

Next week is actress/funny lady Kim Wall. We do a mean dueling hairballs, and her small dog imitation is pretty flawless.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

I laughed

via city rag .

Ass-sweat Stigmata takes form of the Pringles man.

Andy Dick Licks Everyone

at the Roast for William Shatner.
Then begins to bite. He bit a journalist.

Apparently he freaked out backstage after the roast.

"Baby please," Dick repeated six times. "Put in something nice," he said after urinating in front of the horrified journalist in his dressing room and offering her cocaine."

Psychopathia Sexualis

If you missed it at the Atlanta Film Festival and you want to see it (Dan and I were cut out, but Matt S. and Anne T. and Daniel P. are still in it), it's playing at the GSU Cinefest-- Thursday August 24, 2006

9:00 PM - Psychopathia Sexualis

Monday, August 14, 2006

Stephen Colbert Presents Stephen Colbert's Alpha Squad 7: The New Tek Jansen Adventure

Amy Sedaris as Abraxxia.

The Tek Jansen official Alpha Squad 7: Lady Nocturne website

Sunday, August 13, 2006

i'm planning on going

Remember "The Devil and Daniel Johnston?"

New info on a screening at the GSU Cinefest:

GSU Cinefest next month:

September 22nd - September 28th

Weekdays: 11, 1, 3, 7, 9
Weekend: 1, 3, 5, 7

Saturday, August 12, 2006


I have to post this here.
Anne D., my ex's sister who is also a great friend, whose wedding i was in, put this on her blog recently. I'd almost forgotten about it. A video wedding shower invitation. Peter wrote and performed it. I can't believe we sent this out, but.... We did.


moritorium. i just think those two words ought to go together, for some reason.

of course, the DAY i knock comcast down to the most basic offering, i actually find a funny show. on IFC. it's Laura Kightlinger's new series "The Minor Accomplishments of Jackie Woodman": L.A. sucks, Jackie sucks back. you know, Jack Black's ex. Next show seems to be Sunday at 11:00pm.

it's weird. good weird. i've always thought she was funny. she has some pretty hilarious standup bits from way back. like the one about telling guys her ass is haunted so they won't pursue anal sex. she has a great delivery of it. much better than typing the gist of it on a blog. ...
doesn't that picture above seem so much more right than this:

judge mary.

into perpetuity.

Friday, August 11, 2006

Comcast sucks

Comcast puede aspirar a un dick gordo grande.

Das ist, Sie hörte mich recht. Comcast kann einen grossen fetten koook saugen.

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Learn more.

Ever heard of Wholphin? I just learned what it is today. It calls itself DVD magazine of unseen films. and it's from the fine folks of McSweeney's, "lovingly encoded with unique and ponderable films designed to make you feel the way we felt when we learned that dolphins and whales sometimes, you know, do it." I found this while looking around for Miranda July's "Are you the favorite person of anybody?" short. Which is in the previous issue. which is apparently the first issue, of Wholphin, by the way. already.

There are a whole bunch of short films on the site in the "Screening Room." Like "Sometimes" (scroll down the page a bit) to which belongs the still of the monster above. I liked it. and the song really does stick with you.

I was pleasantly surprised by "Glinder and Glinder" by Kasper Hauser, a comedy group out of San Fran. Just a few really weird touches to the thing.

TRIANGLE! (Scheduled Outage)

Dan and I spent a lot of time in NY (no C) last week/end. There's stuff to say, i just haven't said it yet. I will. There are pictures. It was fun.

But for now, I'd like to know what you think of this film, The Subconscious Art of Graffiti Removal. However what's shown is not the entire film.

It's by Matt McCormick and it's narrated by charming weirdo Miranda July.
They were apparently a part of an artists' group called Peripheral Produce which is "an experimental film and video distribution label and provocateur of the annual PDX Film Festival."

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Bowling Alley Fight in midtown

A local actor named Brian Godleski (i don't know him) was at a bowling alley this weekend where a big fight broke out. He got the news crews who showed up to interview him, but he used the name "Steve Ellis" and sort of did a character. I thought it was kinda funny. I had to view it on internet explorer, firefox wouldn't show the video.

Just another reason

to love the beach.

and Croatia.

DOUG DANK reunites with old friend and wrestling coach, Stephen Platinum!

Tomorrow, Wednesday night, 10:00 pm, $5. PushPush Theatre in Decatur.

Stephen Scarborough (also known as Stephen Platinum) directs the annual BRAWL show
at Dad's Garage (FRIDAY NIGHTS!) and does occasional fight choreography for theaters around town.
He's had virtually every job known to man, and is married to a talented, smart woman
who is much more attractive than he is. Find out how he did it at the Doug Dank show!


Now that you can visualize it, you can participate.