Thursday, October 30, 2008

NC video on The A.V. Club.

we finally made it onto The Onion's A.V. Club.
sort of.

shit, i'll take it.

well, there was the horrible review of the Squidbillies' season finale, revolving around my character, that the guy HATED and was disgusted by.
but this...this feels real.

...real self-indulgent, self-important and self-promotional....

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Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Get Out The Vote! North Carolina, we're looking at you...

proposing as good of a reason as any to vote -- if only to cancel out the stupid people around you.

you'll recognize some atlanta locals in this video that will be played somewhere for north carolinians. in the meantime, enjoy on facebook, youtube, and soon on and hopefully.

something my baby can be proud of!

by Aqua Teen's and Squidbillie's Dave Willis and Daily Show/TV Funhouse's Scott Jacobson.

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Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Creative Loafing's Andisheh Nouraee at the Doug Dank Project

If you've ever met him, you know he's a super great guy, AND a great
writer. Let's see what kind of stories he's got to share! Improv
based on real life stories. PushPush Theater, Wednesday at 10pm. $5~

Andisheh Nouraee has been a data entry clerk at health insurance
company, a door-to-door vinyl siding and window sales appointment
scheduler, an all-around helper at a property tax consulting firm, a
receptionist, a furniture chain-store cashier help-desk operator, a
commercial real estate public relations agent, a wedding photographer,
an Arthritis Foundation brochure mailer, a television theme-song
singer, a radio-talk show co-host, a Brazilian beauty pagaent judge
(non-paying), and a drum machine programmer.

Since 2000, he has been a freelance writer and photographer. It's
going well so far.

He is Creative Loafing's 2002, 2003, 2004 & 2005 Readers' Pick for
Best Columnist in Atlanta.

He was a finalist for the Society of Professional Journalists' 2004
Green Eyeshade Excellence in Journalism Award. His Don't Panic column,
a comedic and informative weekly look at U.S. foreign policy and world
affairs, appears in several newspapers around the country and is
syndicated online by

He has a credit score in the 700s.

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Monday, October 27, 2008

oh god, i found more "what if's"

oh man, and these were the funnier of them....

What if there was a hissing sound coming from the engine of your car that you described to your mechanic as "angry hornets stinging the head of an angry cobra," and he opened your hood and it really was angry hornets stinging the head of an angry cobra."
What if it turned out to actually be fairly complacent flies on the head of a garden snake? I guess it wouldn't be as scary, but man, it would be so much weirder

What if your brother was a mime, your sister was a ventriloquist, your parents were midgets, yet--surprisingly--you turned out normal? Well, except for your 6 inch torso and webbed feet.

What if Olivia Newton John were to marry Elton John? I guess her married name would be --- Mrs. Elton John.

What if news anchors just started opening their newscasts by leaning in towards the camera with, "Listen to this crap!" (note: personally, i like this one. and it's kinda what the Daily Show does, now, in a way. i was ahead of my time)

What if you wore a black eye patch to your next job interview? I don't think they would hire you. and i think that is wrong.

Even sadder? they'll think even less of you if you wear it with a navy or brown suit.

What if you're on a blind date with this REALLY, really ugly, quiet, weird guy and in the middle of dinner he coughs up a great big hair ball? You're grossed out, but then, you suddenly realize he is actually a great big cat? He probably doesn't look quite so bad now, huh?

What if pirahnas evolve into footed creatures? Am I the only one worried to TEARS about this?

What if a hawk ate a snake, that just ate a dead rat, that just ate a roach that just ate some leftover cake? I bet meal was more than he bargained for. What if the hawk then threw up? He must've been allergic to something in the cake (gluten or lactose intolerance, probably) and there's just no predicting something like that, I don't care how long you've been a predator.

What if you had a tattoo of a person's face on your back or arm and you went to the beach, and just the nose of the tattoo got sunburnt and peeled?

What if you or someone in your immediate family had invented "The Wave," you know, that everyone does at sporting events? Just think about how rich you would be!

What if you had a REALLY, really bad hangover, and after like 5 days, it finally started to ease up, and even those things that everybody said looked like chicken pox started to go away?

Sunday, October 26, 2008

i think if i submitted a "This I Believe" essay to NPR... would probably just revolve mostly around how i believe that pecans can make anything taste better, i don't completely trust people who don't like coconut, and that liking olives is a character flaw.

and something tells me that wouldn't get published.

Searching: A series; Walmart: "Chimenea"

Walmart: 0 results found for "chimenea" in Baby.

Me: Oops, forgot i was in the "Baby" section. Guess that's pretty reassuring, though, that there aren't any chimeneas in the "Baby" section.
Walmart: ...Did you mean "chimney"?

Me: AAAAAAaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiigggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh!!!

some google results worth mentioning

just some of the ways people land on this site:


"farmer's market" "animal souls" - this one i actually know who and why.

"getting grease trap smell off boots"

"description of a jock"

"naked fear"

(this one JUST in) "mel sharples" (YEAH! )

another 4 f-ing "Applebee's Tavern Chips."



"John Benzinger"

"blut im schtulgang" -- which, for the curious, is a way of saying in German, "I have blood in my stool" It's one of about 3 phrases that i know. along with "Ich habe Schwein gehabt," and "gehen Sie unter und geben Sie mir ein Bier"

Search by Key Word or Item #: chiminea

chimenea ?


sorry, ...Troy?


Terry? ahh, ok. Terry.

something i've learned

people don't like to be called 'douchebags.'

especially on the internet.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Denise Delarue: Double Feature

What a great name! It seems custom-made to go along with Doug Dank.
Denise and Doug: the Delarue/Dank Ensemble

anyway, she is the monologist for this week's Doug Dank Project!
and after the improv show?
a free movie.
what's it called?
"Young People Fucking."

It's Canadian.... They can do that!

come out!
It's all still only $5.

The Doug Dank Project
"Young People Fucking"

All for $5!
Of course, you can still just come for the improv show, but....hey, free movie!

Doug Dank Project Monologist: Atlanta attorney Denise Delarue!!

Wednesday, October 22, 2008 at 10:00pm
Thursday, October 23, 2008 at 1:00am
PushPush Theater
121 New Street
Decatur, GA

This Wednesday October 22nd, The Doug Dank Project invite you to stick around after the 1 hour improv show for a screening of the Independent Canadian Feature "Young People Fucking." Directed by Martin Gero and starring Doug Dank favorite Josh Dean, "Young People Fucking" is a smart and fast-paced comedy that intertwines the stories of 5 couples over the course of one sexual encounter.
Come for Doug Dank at 10pm. Stay for the film immediately following.
5 dollars and cheap beer!

Sunday, October 19, 2008

What if...

I found this notebook with all of these "what if" things i used to write. a looooooong time ago.
what if: wanted your remains to be scattered across your favorite beach, just not necessarily to be cremated first. had a long list of funeral requests, like, to be cut into pieces, dried into jerky, then frozen, then in the year 2028, thawed, and cremated.

...everyone just had 1 BIG big toe.

...when you died you wanted to be cremated, then mixed with "Cremora," then stored in creamers at a creamery.
...cremated, mixed with "Cremora" and served with coffee to the people at the funeral.

...Roach motels weren't laced with poison, but rather just had extremely shallow swimming pools with diving boards.


Pretty bad.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

News of the Weird, from, oh, about 10 years ago, i bet

i have kept a clipping from News of the Weird out of the Creative Loafing that i thought was HIlarious for, no joke, probably 10 years. maybe more? it keeeps showing up here and there, and i'll find a new place for it. a file folder. then years later, i'll toss that folder, but keep this torn-out piece of newspaper, and put it some place new. Well, it turned up yet again during our recent move. it's yellowed, and creased. and i STILL did not toss it out. WHAT grand day do i think this clipping has in its future, that i'm saving it for.

well, i'm going to type it in, word for word.
you'll see just how - funny - it is.

i'll take a picture of it.

you probably can't believe that it hasn't been even accidentally thrown away.
i've lost much more important stuff, that was in much better shape, and looked very official. but this--this sticks around.

then i'll throw it out---no, i'll recycle it, so that it might live on.
this is a suitable destiny for this fine piece of historical literature.

"In a February court hearing in Norristown, PA, attorney Charles Peruto, Jr. was in the process of arguing that his client, accused of selling drugs, was entitled to a low bail because he was not likely to flee before his trial. At that moment, however, the client, Howard "Wing Ding" Jones, bolted from the courtroom and led deputies on a one-hour chase before he was recaptured."

see? every time i re-read it, though, i'm like -- that is funny as shit. and i'm glad i read it. again.

and here is its final hurrah, before my cat, gilbert, shreds it apart. goodbye ridiculous Weird News clipping, goodbye.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008


co-creator of Aqua Teen Hunger Force and Squidbillies on Cartoon Network's Adult Swim programming block.

i think you should probably come to this.
oh, and pass this info on if you will, you probably have friends who are big fans of this guy's work.

Wednesday, October 15th at 10pm
PushPush Theater

This week The Doug Dank Project is proud to have Dave Willis again as our guest storyteller. Dave is not only the co-creator of Aqua Teen but also the voice of Meatwad and Carl among other characters.

We also welcome back Amber from her time away at the Victoria and Vancouver Improv Festivals. Welcome Home Amber!

Guest Monologist :

Dave Willis is a writer and producer of cartoons for Adult Swim. He co-created "Aqua Teen Hunger Force" and provides the voice of Meatwad and the irascible next-door neighbor, Carl. He is also a writer and producer for "Squidbillies" and is currently working on an animated pilot entitled "Cheyenne Cinnamon and the Fantabulous Unicorn of Sugar Town Candy Fudge". Check out for more info on Dave.

Yeeeah, we're movin' on dooowwwn (movin' on down)

to the east side....

went from renters in a ritzy area to owners in stabtown!

i do love it, though. Thank you, Ackerman Security!

and it hasn't fully hit us how great it is/will be.

mostly b/c there are still piles of shit everywhere.

trying to figure out where to put things.

i'm a terrible organizer.

The Step-Up Society came today and took a bunch of stuff that we foolishly didn't need/want, yet MOVED over here. but that was VERY convenient, they just showed up and hauled it away and left a tax receipt.

have to admit, the place looked a lot nicer with the other people's stuff in it. they were minimalists. and pretty much everything was from IKEA and Bed, Bath and Beyond. And had a masculine hint to it. Very smart of them, to appeal also to the male. Dan loved it. I was like, WE could have this shit, too, you just have to PAY for it. Most of the stuff in our house was either free or came from Salvation Army/Thrift or Consignment Stores/family heirlooms. Quite a mish-mash.
But we're trying to eliminate the stuff we don't need/haven't used in a year or so.

Speaking of, anyone want to buy a VINTAGE 50's metal /chrome kitchen table with a pop up leaf in the middle, built-in? comes with 4 original chairs that need reupholstering, but are super well-built and sturdy. $45 OBO. If you do want it, may want to act fast, our neighbor has expressed interest. (Not the one who neglects her dog).

close up detail of table pattern. sort of off-white and gray/beige 50's design.

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

how-to: dealing with ignorant assface jerks?

anyone aware of this book or dvd?
any advice here is appreciated.

how people treat animals--their's and others -- and their opinions about the welfare of animals in general, pretty much gives me all i need to know about those people. Domesticated animals need care. They need us.

the people we just moved in next to keep their dog --a seemingly sweet black chow -- chained up 24/7 from what we can tell and the former owners of our house could tell.

he has an old, little igloo house, chain's probably 8 - 10 feet long, but you can't really see what the floor of the igloo is like. but it is run down. he's not starving, they must feed him, there's water. but nobody pays any attention to him. except us. and the former neighbors. and we just put up a privacy fence so that our cats can go outside and not roam east atlanta. now, i feel terrible b/c the only visual and physical interaction the dog had is now kinda gone. i still toss rawhides and treats over the fence, but we can't pet him.
and winter's around the corner.

he's a black chow.
he's still sweet. as far as we can tell. just wants to be touched. and talked to. and paid attention to for a goddamn minute.

sure. i could file a complaint with dekalb co. animal services since they're "tethering" their animal without any supervision, and this is not legal.

But what. they come get the animal, and keep him for max of 7 days. those owners aren't coming to get him. an adult chow? most likely not gonna get adopted out of dekalb co. animal services.

And he's euthanized.

the former owners and the neighbors on the other side even talked of stealing him.
the former owner's dad thought about "adopting" him. This was the most promising lead.
but i've since found out that the guy's dad has Parkinson's, that is worsening, and thinks it unwise to take on a dog. very disappointing, but i agree. he needs easy and safe right now.

WHY do they even keep him? He is chained way away from the house, so it's not even like a guard dog, which i hate, too.

What do i do?

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

Old and married and sick to shit of it all

this is a conversation i overheard on a plane a couple months ago. the couple was sitting behind me. i wrote down everything i could hear/make out over the course of the flight from atlanta to rochester, ny. i'm just finding it.
Woman: very large woman, the walk up the aisle to the restroom is a daunting one.
Man: Pitiable character. Overweight, but not as big. sick to shit. of the whole thing, it seems.
Flight Attendant: Whatever stereotype you have in mind is correct.

W: "That's a pretty cat isn't it?"

W: "I just love cats and dogs."


W: Everybody's wearing flip flops. It seems like that would hurt.


W: Did you hear me? I said I'm uncomfortable.

M: (a mumble)

W: I read on the internet that after 30 days I'm supposed to switch to Head and Shoulders. One's got selenium and the other's got zinc. or something. (my note: !?)

W: What kind of diet drinks do you have?

M: Do you have Diet Sprite? Thank you.

W: That looks interesting. I'd like to try acupuncture.

W: There's a hole in the back of your shirt. ...There's a HOLE IN THE BACK OF YOUR SHIRT!

W: Ma'am, EXCUSE ME. Could you heat a dinner for me? .... (something something)........ My doctor ...... it's not frozen..... needs heating.....

FA: We don't have a microwave.

W: They don't have a microwave... (very skeptical)

M: Can you eat it cold?

W: I guess I'll have to!

M Can i go to the bathroom?

W: We'll be there soon. Just wait.

M: Can you switch places with me, then?

W: No.

M: (chuckles) Wh--

W: We'll be down soon.

(a lot of struggling and sighing and grunting by W, as she begrudgingly lets man out to pee)
(my note: awwwww, poor man has boobs twice the size of mine, and i'm 5 months pregnant - at this point of summer)

W: I thought I had a chocolate one! You want the rest of your nuts?

M: No.

Sunday, October 05, 2008

This just in! Baby Squirrel for Obama!

Thursday, October 02, 2008

gyugel reesults

"marriott cock squat" -- what most people don't know is that i'm known for this signature dance.

"mary kraft manapkin" --kind of proud of that. b/c manapkin!

"Burt Reynolds Stew" -- it's made out of moustache, tan, and fists!

"robert shields ran away"

"applebee's "tavern chips" recipe" -- always on here. this irritates and amuses me, though everytime i post these google hits with the tavern chips hits, i just get more hits. and so on, and so on. it's well-worth my time. ...

"boogieboarding pregnant" -- great idea, whoever!

another "marriot cock squat" -- Did you mean: marriott cock squat ?

Wednesday, October 01, 2008

Tommy Futch is worth the gas to drive to PushPush. I guarantee it*

Tonight's Doug Dank Project MOnologist is the one and only Tommy
Futch, loooong time improvisor, and founding member/current head of
Laughing Matters Improv group, as well as Dad's Garage Ensemble member.

This guy has hadd a life. He has stories about it. He is funny. He
is smart. I bet he even makes us cry tonight, with humor mixed with
just the right amount of poignancy. i guarantee it.**

Look at that MULLET!

PushPush Theater in Decatur!
Wednesday night
only about 45 - 50 minutes of improv based on real - life stories.

*no i don't.
*no i don't. but i'm full of pregnancy hormones, so i may be crying
in a corner anyway. feel free to join me!!!